


Do Not Pass Go

by gala_apples



Series: Get Xander Laid Season Five [16]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Bisexuality, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-31
Updated: 2011-12-31
Packaged: 2017-10-28 13:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gala_apples/pseuds/gala_apples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Episode 5x21: Weight of the World</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do Not Pass Go

“Xander, have you ever had sex with Giles?”

“What? Ahhhh. What? Ahh-hh! What? _ahh-hhhh!_ ” each ah had a higher crescendo, visually a molehill then a hill then a mountain. “No Spike. _No_ Spike. _No_ -”

“Brain skipping, boy? You best go back to the Magic Box.”

“You’re kicking me out because I’m not gay?” Honestly, Spike’s insanity didn’t confuse him anymore. It just irritated the hell out of him, and so did the fact that Buffy seemed to trust the vamp. But Buffy was gone into her own head, and Willow had crawled inside with, and Giles was broken and Tara was insane. So really, the Zeppo and the Vamp were all that were left.

“No, I’m sending you back so you won’t die. Believe it or not, I might not quite hate you.” At Xander’s odd look he added hastily, “Well, it’s not like I _like_ you either.”

“Why would I die?” he asked, moving from the shocking statement to the humdrum fact of his own impending doom.

“Besides being the least competent of the Scoobies? The doctor hates virgins. He’d eat you alive.”

Xander assumed that was the Sunnydale literal format, and was properly freaked out. But it didn’t make sense, even past the mind blowing idea of Spike caring if he was devoured by a demon. “But, Anya. Many times Anya. And Dawn went with you that one time that I’m not supposed to know about except Willow has locator spells on you all and she normally uses them for good and now that you know you’re going to make her end the spell, aren’t you? She’s going to kill me. But to restate… Huh? Anya? And huh, Dawn?”

“Don’t you think the bit deserves a slice of privacy? If I do know, I’m not going to tell anyone. And Anya, well that’s obvious. Honestly, I don’t know how you didn’t die in childhood, being so stupid. There’s straight sex, and there’s gay sex. I know you and her shag constantly. But that leaves a full fifty percent of sexual opportunities unfulfilled. So, if you don’t want to die, you should go home.”

It was a lose-lose situation. Still, it was better to pick the lose that helped people. “Lets go now,” Xander muttered. He started to walk up the street though he had no idea where he was going, and needed Spike for directions.

“Harris, don’t you listen to a word- oh.” Spike’s face burst into a smirk. “Have you told anyone about your raging homosexuality then?”

“Shut up Spike,” he ground out, and tried to ignore the plethora of comments that followed him as he continued walking.


End file.
